Your Chin is Falling Off

As a "veteran teacher" it is your unofficial job to take the newer teachers and show them the ropes.  You help them with issues, management, copies etc. and help them get better at what they do.  One of the biggest things you can do for a new teacher however is seriously prepare them for how absurd kids can be.

My Friend, Ms. D is a new teacher this year and for the most part is actually pretty awesome at it.  She has a knack for dealing with the ridiculousness around her and still being able to teach a very difficult subject to a not so receptive audience.

Something Ms. D is good at is making herself readily available any time so that the students can get help when they need it.  As a veteran teacher I warned her that when a student is alone in a room with a teacher (particularly a female teacher at an all boys school) boys have a tendency to be a little more needy, a little weirder, and a little more willing to be absurd.

Ms. D wrote me this email one morning after helping a student "DB" with some work before school started. 

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My morning with DB:

DB: "Oh he's a real person!"

Me: "Who?

DB: "Stephen Hawking! I thought he was a fake person that people make fun of. Like, I saw him on these anime...i mean...nevermind"

DB: "I still don't get this song."

Me: "What don't you understand."

DB: "If I liked it, why would I put a ring on it. Like, if I like the taste of my toes, why would I put a ring on it?"

Me: "I plan on using these quotes in a movie I write someday"

DB: "In an acting movie or a musical"

Me: "Probably acting"

DB: "Good. That would be hard to sing. You are olllllld. Your chin is fallliiinnnggg offf. You look like michael jacksooooon"

Me: "I'm not that far off from 35."
DB: "Yeah, you're old. See, your chin is sagging."

Me: DB, you're a trip, you know that?
DB: Yeah, 2 flights. I take you up then I take you down.

Graffiti

When I see graffiti around the school its always the same.  Its a tag, a name, a symbol or a direct insult of someone (mostly teachers).  Its in pencil (though most of their school work isn't) and it hides in corners or common space.  The bathroom is the most obvious of spots for graffiti; no cameras, no teachers.  The next less obvious spot is the window sill.  For whatever reason, teachers never look on the window sills until DAYS after somethings is written.  The kids have noticed that also.  Anyway, if you ever catch someone graffitiing the school, its a big deal, and when they are doing it openly and in an open space, its an even bigger deal. 

Towards the end of my first year I had just dropped  my kids off at one of their preps on the top floor of the building and was making my way down to my floor when the following happened:

I opened the stairwell door to walk down a level when I saw one of the 8th graders using a dry erase marker to write very largely on the window of staircase: "Suck Pussy".  With the natural noise of the building he hadn't heard me open the door and that I was right behind him.  I read this and immediately did a 180 and went back on the other side of the door.  I laughed... Hard.  Why? I don't know.  Stress of the day?  Surprise?  Who knows.

Anyway, game face... I straighten up and loudly throw open the door and spend the next 3 minutes chewing him out for writing on the window, and something so horrible to boot!  He had no idea seconds before he had me cracking up.  He was so embarrassed and horrified that I caught him.  I brought him to the disciplinarian (a former Reverend who didn't find the humor I had in the situation and needless to say, there was some serious punishment doled out that day. 

Finding Nemo... in the hallway...

So working in a K-8 school you tend to come across a lot of different levels of maturity, understanding and bravado.  When I specifically was dealing with my middle-schoolers, they were funny. They understood sarcasm, and were willing to give it right back to you.  The little kids are different.  They dont get sarcasm so when you addressed them you had to be very direct.  This is the background you need for this story. 

Every Monday I happened to have a prep period where the kids stayed in the classroom so if I wanted any alone time, I needed to leave my room.  For 45 minutes I would wonder around the school, police the hallways, and venture to the cafeteria, which was more of a circus with food than anything else.  One day I decided I would go explore the lower elementary school floors and walked into the second grade hallway.  I turned a corner and there in front of me was a second grade boy who I had known by site for the last three years.  I always said hi to him and he always waived but in three years had never said a word. 

He was alone in the hallway standing by his coat hook and looking directly at me.

"Where's your hall pass little man?" I greated him.  Again, you have to be direct with the little ones.  The older ones I would have immediately started picking on and harassing them into their rooms.  The little ones need fear.  They need to understand authority of adults and that rules apply even when they think no one is watching. 

Silence.

I put my hands on my hips, furrowed my brow and a little more firmly asked again, "where's your hall pass?"

Right then without missing a beat, he placed his hands on his hips, leaned forward a little, looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Sharkbait who ha-ha!" and then ran into his classroom. 

I wasn't even mad.  How can you be mad at Finding Nemo?  And at such an amazing time! 

He was the only kid to ever not get reprimanded by me for not having a hall pass.

My First Discussion About Race...

My first year teaching was going ok.  I was one day away from surviving my first month when I had one of those days they don't prepare you for in school.  About 10am a loud siren screamed down the street.  Soon another, then another after that.  For about 30 minutes (no exaggeration) my room filled with the sounds of Police cars screaming past.  Teaching became impossible.  Normally sirens won't even make a kid blink but when the entire city's police force drives past your window, everyone is intrigued.  I stopped trying to teach because really, it was just becoming impossible.  The 22 of us sat by the window and just watched the parade of Police cars come flying up the road. 

The following is the conversation that happened when the kids stopped just watching the cars...

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Student "N" - (out loud to no one in particular)  It had to have been a black guy.  No way a white guy would get this much attention. 

Me:  You don't even know what happened N. I don't think it's fair to assume that. 

N:  Come on Mr. R.  How long you lived in the city.  A black guys shot someone.  I bet it was a cop.

At this point I decided that I wasn't going to argue something I knew nothing about.  I logged onto my computer and checked local news.... "Police Officer Shot.  Manhunt on For Suspect...Police believe an African American male, about 6'2" entered a Dunkin Donuts and attempted to rob the store when a police officer entered the store.  The man turned and shot the police officer in the face and fled the scene...."

Internal thought at this point... "F---."

Me:  "Ok guys here is that news story."  I proceeded to read the story to the kids and N, the student that actually had guess what happened spot on was beside himself.

N:   "I told you Mr. R.  This is crap.  Every time a black man does something to a white guy like this the entire city shows up.  A  black guy on my block gets shot last week, no one cares."  

Me: "I think this maybe had something to do with the fact that it was a police officer being shot not about what color he is"

N: "Whatever.  Whoever shot that cop better disappear forever.  If he gets caught, ain't nobody going to save him from the beating he's gonna catch.  I bet he never sees a judge.  "  (looking angry at this point).

Me: " Look N, not everything is Black vs. White.  Just because some people do dumb things and feel a certain way doesn't mean that everyone does.  I'm a white guy.  What do you think I see when I look at you?"

N- "I don't know.  You're a teacher, teachers are different.  And you aren't white, I thought you were Italian..."

Me: "Wait what?  White is a color.  Italian is a heritage.  You know the difference right?  You're black but that doesn't mean you come from a country called "Black".  You are African American.  D (another student in the class) is Black, but her family is from Jamaica.  Shes Jamaican."

N: "I never understood that color thing anyway.  I'm more brown than black and you aren't white.  When your mad you turn bright red.  When your sick you turn green.  When you stay out in the sun you turn brown and most of the time you are just pink.  Mr. R you're like a crayola box."

Me: (laughing hysterically)  Nice! See, I'm glad you understand how stupid the color thing really is.  Now lets get back to class and talk about this some more at lunch...''

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From this moment on, I had a much better relationship with my students and they felt very comfortable talking to me about race issues and things that were happening in their neighborhood. 

Hood Nuggets

So last year I had the amazing opportunity to take 8 of my students backpacking on the Appalachian Trail.  Most of my students haven't been outside of the city let alone in the woods sleeping under tarps.  To out it mildly, we were stepping out of our comfort zone. 

Day 1 was good except my kids were all very quiet.  They were shell shocked in a way I suppose.  It took until halfway through the second day before they turned back to form.  

One of my funniest students ("M") was on the trip and really, the guides we had with us had no idea how to handle him.  M was loud, sort of inappropriate, and the complete opposite of shy.  The tour guides had made a habit of stopping frequently to explain the things in nature we were seeing.  They'd begin, "here's a nature nugget: moss grows on this side of a tree because..."  and "here's a nature nugget: frogs can turn different colors because...".  In true form, M decided that learning is a two way street and didn't think it was fair that only the students were getting these wonderful nuggets of knowledge.

The following interaction between myself, M, and the rest of the camping expedition happened exactly like this:
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Tour Guide 1 (Ms.  S):  Hey guys!  Here's a nature nugget!  Did you know that when you burn wood, if it's really smokey it's because the wood is really wet.  What you are seeing is the evaporation of the water and fire mixed together."

M - Hey Ms. S, I don't think it's fair that you are the only one who gets to give out nuggets.  I mean you teach us all this nature stuff, I want to teach you a couple of things in case you're ever in the hood and need to survive.  You know; some hood nuggets.

Ms S.-  (Laughing) Ok M.  I think that's fair, every time I give you a Nature Nugget, you can give me a Hood Nugget...

(time elapse about 20 minutes)

Ms S.  Oh hey guys, here's a nature nugget!  Did you know that frogs like this one can change their color to protect themselves from danger?  Their skin is designed to match whatever it is they are sitting on!  How cool is that?!

M- Hey guys! Here's a Hood Nugget for you: if you are ever walking down the street later than 10:00 at night and a black SUV rolls up behind you with tinted windows, duck behind a car because its probably a drive by and you don't want to be hit.

Needless to say, M's Hood Nuggets became wildly popular and he had a few other gems...  Here's my other favorite Hood Nugget from that trip...

M- Hey here's a Hood Nugget!  If you ever need to knock on someone's door but it's dark outside, make sure you step back from the door, keep your hands in plain sight and be polite when someone answers the door.  Chances are they have a gun or a knife with them because no one should be knocking on your door that late at night without a search warrant...

Out of My Comfort Zone...

So a lot of my students go to the same church in the neighborhood that the school is in.  I actually really love the community involvement with making sure that the kids have a safe alternative to going out on the streets on a Friday night.  Some of my students invited me to the talent show they were putting on and of course I promised to be there. 

Based on what happened next, I'm guessing they don't get outsiders...

The show began at 8:00 sharp but I snuck in at around 830.  There was food everywhere and I was immediately offered a plate by one of the parents I knew.  Wings, Mac & Cheese and Greens.  I sat myself down next to two of my students and started watching the show and eating.  There were 2 MC's and the performances were incredible.  There was dancing, singing and other assortments of talent. 

About an hour into the show the one MC gets on he mic and announces second round for food:

"Alright guys there's tons of food left for everyone to get more.  I see three trays of wings left!  Come on guys!  We are Black!  We love Chicken!  Don't let any of that get thrown away!" 

The second MC shoots the first one a glance and says "Yo you can't say that man!  We got a white guy in the audience!"

So as everyone in the entire auditorium turns to look at me, I looked around, held up the wing I had already dug into and announced loudly, "It's Ok everybody, white people like Wings too!"

I went up for seconds...

A Poem to End All Poems...

So about a week ago a colleague of mine was teaching her physics lesson to her seniors and one of them was noticeably off task.  This student ("Z") was off in his own world and ignoring the notes being given.  What was he writing if it wasn't Physics notes you ask....  a poem about Taylor Swift of course! 


When you teach in the inner city at a school that is 99% African American, you don't really expect to see poems written about country stars... never the less, here it is...

Taylor Swift
by "Z"

Taylor Swift, Taylor Swift
Hope you catch my drift
The way she sings and the way she moves
Is like Hallie Berry taking off my shoes
From her juicy lips
To her desirable hips
To her smooth silky hair
To her colorful flare
I have dreams of marrying her
Right uptop a hill
When we both 40
She going to be buying my Dickies at Forman Mills
She is so positive
She inspired me to write poetry
I like smooth white women
That is not hard to see
For those who hate country music you should try it.
Hell she got me reciting lyrics, from Billy Ray Cyrus
One day I'll meet Taylor Swift
I'll hug her and bask in it
5 mins y'all see me on the news
Locked up for sexual harassment.

The End.