Your Chin is Falling Off

As a "veteran teacher" it is your unofficial job to take the newer teachers and show them the ropes.  You help them with issues, management, copies etc. and help them get better at what they do.  One of the biggest things you can do for a new teacher however is seriously prepare them for how absurd kids can be.

My Friend, Ms. D is a new teacher this year and for the most part is actually pretty awesome at it.  She has a knack for dealing with the ridiculousness around her and still being able to teach a very difficult subject to a not so receptive audience.

Something Ms. D is good at is making herself readily available any time so that the students can get help when they need it.  As a veteran teacher I warned her that when a student is alone in a room with a teacher (particularly a female teacher at an all boys school) boys have a tendency to be a little more needy, a little weirder, and a little more willing to be absurd.

Ms. D wrote me this email one morning after helping a student "DB" with some work before school started. 

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My morning with DB:

DB: "Oh he's a real person!"

Me: "Who?

DB: "Stephen Hawking! I thought he was a fake person that people make fun of. Like, I saw him on these anime...i mean...nevermind"

DB: "I still don't get this song."

Me: "What don't you understand."

DB: "If I liked it, why would I put a ring on it. Like, if I like the taste of my toes, why would I put a ring on it?"

Me: "I plan on using these quotes in a movie I write someday"

DB: "In an acting movie or a musical"

Me: "Probably acting"

DB: "Good. That would be hard to sing. You are olllllld. Your chin is fallliiinnnggg offf. You look like michael jacksooooon"

Me: "I'm not that far off from 35."
DB: "Yeah, you're old. See, your chin is sagging."

Me: DB, you're a trip, you know that?
DB: Yeah, 2 flights. I take you up then I take you down.

Graffiti

When I see graffiti around the school its always the same.  Its a tag, a name, a symbol or a direct insult of someone (mostly teachers).  Its in pencil (though most of their school work isn't) and it hides in corners or common space.  The bathroom is the most obvious of spots for graffiti; no cameras, no teachers.  The next less obvious spot is the window sill.  For whatever reason, teachers never look on the window sills until DAYS after somethings is written.  The kids have noticed that also.  Anyway, if you ever catch someone graffitiing the school, its a big deal, and when they are doing it openly and in an open space, its an even bigger deal. 

Towards the end of my first year I had just dropped  my kids off at one of their preps on the top floor of the building and was making my way down to my floor when the following happened:

I opened the stairwell door to walk down a level when I saw one of the 8th graders using a dry erase marker to write very largely on the window of staircase: "Suck Pussy".  With the natural noise of the building he hadn't heard me open the door and that I was right behind him.  I read this and immediately did a 180 and went back on the other side of the door.  I laughed... Hard.  Why? I don't know.  Stress of the day?  Surprise?  Who knows.

Anyway, game face... I straighten up and loudly throw open the door and spend the next 3 minutes chewing him out for writing on the window, and something so horrible to boot!  He had no idea seconds before he had me cracking up.  He was so embarrassed and horrified that I caught him.  I brought him to the disciplinarian (a former Reverend who didn't find the humor I had in the situation and needless to say, there was some serious punishment doled out that day. 

Finding Nemo... in the hallway...

So working in a K-8 school you tend to come across a lot of different levels of maturity, understanding and bravado.  When I specifically was dealing with my middle-schoolers, they were funny. They understood sarcasm, and were willing to give it right back to you.  The little kids are different.  They dont get sarcasm so when you addressed them you had to be very direct.  This is the background you need for this story. 

Every Monday I happened to have a prep period where the kids stayed in the classroom so if I wanted any alone time, I needed to leave my room.  For 45 minutes I would wonder around the school, police the hallways, and venture to the cafeteria, which was more of a circus with food than anything else.  One day I decided I would go explore the lower elementary school floors and walked into the second grade hallway.  I turned a corner and there in front of me was a second grade boy who I had known by site for the last three years.  I always said hi to him and he always waived but in three years had never said a word. 

He was alone in the hallway standing by his coat hook and looking directly at me.

"Where's your hall pass little man?" I greated him.  Again, you have to be direct with the little ones.  The older ones I would have immediately started picking on and harassing them into their rooms.  The little ones need fear.  They need to understand authority of adults and that rules apply even when they think no one is watching. 

Silence.

I put my hands on my hips, furrowed my brow and a little more firmly asked again, "where's your hall pass?"

Right then without missing a beat, he placed his hands on his hips, leaned forward a little, looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Sharkbait who ha-ha!" and then ran into his classroom. 

I wasn't even mad.  How can you be mad at Finding Nemo?  And at such an amazing time! 

He was the only kid to ever not get reprimanded by me for not having a hall pass.